I don't know...

I don’t and probably cannot believe in anything any more - this is the relative age, we are too clever now, and nothing is definite; perhaps this is liberating, indeed this is liberating! It is liberating, though, in the way that to be out on a cold lonely wasteland, with no roads, with only the liberated choice to go in any direction you like, to nowhere, is liberating. ‘Man desires to know’ (Aristotle - Metaphysics) - no truer thing has ever been said. Though ‘to know’ one thing is to deny another thing of equally provable potential, will you then deny man’s desire ‘to know’ at all? The second truest thing ever said is that ‘A man who sees both sides of a question is a man who sees absolutely nothing at all’ (Oscar Wilde). We see every side of the question, and can believe in nothing. It is liberating, it is cold, it is pointless. Perhaps I am being over bleak - all this is only cold and pointless in the abstracted planes of thought, where the wastelands really are - this world, though, is pleasant, and we are liberated here in a genuine and congenial way. It is true. We are able to seek pleasure freely, able to interpret experience freely, as we should. But it is a subtle agony always to know that the interpretations out of which you may strive to build your life will always crumble in your grasp, eaten through as our poor beleaguered metaphysic is with the dreadful - and yet how liberating! - worm of doubt, of relativism.
I do not even know any more. I don’t know - but damn it I’ll try.

3:49am 30th May ‘08

Right now

I need to be close to someone. Damn. Intensely lonely...i cannot even say exquisitely lonely any more, for there is little relish in this...

1:40am 2nd May '08