Stream 3

Wow what a night what a morning I mean I am changed am I changed? I thin I don’t know I’m still here and the carpet is still a strange colour of dark dark red and sinister lines all crossed about and the table and walls and stuff and lamp is still here but I think that doesn’t matter because I am changed even if a little bit perhaps you might say the armour of my unassailably intellectual self has been pierced I said to her it felt like I had been stabbed in the heart rather like that Saint Theresa stuff but then again may I am there same here I go again all literary and referential when yeah anyway last night I cried and she kissed my tears and I seared that symbol into my skin and brain because wow I mean seriously if that’s not surface and symbol then what is yeah hah look you this excellent o’erhanging firmament I mean to say look you there is my little red book that I will burn if I smoke hah it’s my story about how great and all poetic I am yeah hah don’t know or really care any more if it moves people again as I said I am moved - somewhat worried though last night I did all Maud and we have proved we have hearts in a cause but I am stronger than that I will find a cause through my self oh well who knows its all so fucking confusing hah but I’m enjoying it yes you see I really really yes am enjoying it in the most lovely and tear cut way and I say tear cut by way of artistry that doesn’t really mean anything I see I’m not being as affable as before or maybe more I don’t really know yah I say again I don’t really know and that’s probably the most of it. Just downed a cup of tea how funny perhaps I can see and stare at that proud cockerel glaring at me with his beady china eyes you see he’s not really glaring at me he’s made of paint ingrained into the glazed mug but he looks as real to me as I do to myself and so why not why not he’s staring at me straight in my eye, although perhaps its because I just downed all the warm warm lovely tea from his mug and he’s cold there I’ll full him up with hot water look ha ha compassion even for a painted cockerel now you twerp sammy. Well at least I’m not being a melodramatic poser any more just gibbering along like the rest. I find my mind less worthy than before or of less worth but I think that it is my heart which thaws, I’ll go talk to cj or someone they are all such good people yes in truth I am very fortunate very lucky to be here and alive even if there’s no empire to overthrow or great castle in the mists and even if the dawn is not rosy fingered and Helen is dead and never perhaps existed and ikarus maybe was a total twat I don’t know but I can smile at that cockerel standing there proud on his little patch of painted ground even though it fades into cooling whiteness his colours stand proud and stark against the surrounding white curved emptiness of the earthmug, that’s his little world, he his, I mine, and there you go there we go here we go up up looking up always I suppose don’t forget you’re fucking astoundingly clever don’t lose that yeah…
5pm 19th January 2008